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Dec 22, 2009, 11:51am

World of Writing - Better than that other WoW. :: Writing Board :: Misc. Writings :: The Interview

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Topic: The Interview (Read 126 times)

sporky
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The Interview
« Thread Started on Mar 6, 2007, 3:50am »

Here's a play I wrote for a contest, but unfortunately I couldn't enter it 'cause I had a lack of funds to enter.

The Interview

Characters: David, Billie

DAVID is sitting on a chair outside an office. He is a man in his mid-20s, wearing a T-shirt and a pair of jeans that have seen better days. A pair of thongs on his feet completes his attire. There are several other people sitting on chairs next to him. They all seem nervous, some more so than others. DAVID appears to be quietly calm but his tugging at the cuffs of his sleeves reveal this is not the case. DAVID turns to a woman sitting next to him.

DAVID

It’s a bit nerve wracking, eh?

WOMAN

Kind of. But I know I’m a shoe in. I’ve got degrees in Business, Accounting, a PhD in Astrophysics and a mail order Beauty Therapist certificate.

DAVID

You sound…qualified.

WOMAN

So what University qualifications do you have?

DAVID

Umm, well, I looked at a Uni pamphlet once…that…that counts, right?

WOMAN

…Don’t talk to me.

DAVID

Hey, I’ve still got a chance!

WOMAN

You’ve got less chance than an ice cube on a hot day…under a magnifying glass…in a volcano…on Mercury.

DAVID

What makes you think that?

WOMAN

It’s as obvious as the fact that it’s going to be dark tonight.

A man, great in stature and burly in appearance walks out of the office. He stops for a moment then faints. DAVID looks at the man now sprawled across the floor.

DAVID

So…how’d it go?

MAN

Pretty good.

The WOMAN looks at the MAN and back to DAVID.

WOMAN

He graduated top of his class at University, worked fifteen years at THE biggest companies in the world and is considered to be one of the best in the field. What chance do you think you have?

DAVID

Fifty percent.

WOMAN

HA! What makes you think you’ve got any chance other than Buckley’s.

DAVID

Either I will get the job or I won’t get the job. Fifty percent.

WOMAN

Yeah, well, I wouldn’t be rushing down to the TAB to put a bet on you.

DAVID

Just you watch, I’m going to go into that interview room and come out with the job. You just watch.

WOMAN

Please stop talking to me, your failure might be contagious.

A woman pokes her head through the office door and into the waiting room. This is BILLIE.

BILLIE

Davina Eccleston. Davina Eccleston?

DAVID shoots BILLIE a look of contempt.

DAVID

It’s David. Do I look like a woman to you?

BILLIE

Yes.

DAVID

Oh.

BILLIE

A…a pretty one, though…

DAVID

Getting creepy…

BILLIE

I mean, if you were a woman…then you wouldn’t be unattractive one…so…I wasn’t really insulting you.

DAVID

Getting creepier…

BILLIE

Yes. Yes it is. Aaaaanyway, it’s your turn to be interviewed.

DAVID stands to his feet. He is more than a little nervous, perhaps because of the impending interview or his exchange with the interviewer, or perhaps both. BILLIE motions for him to follow her into the office. The other people waiting on the seats watch as DAVID follows, secretly hoping that he fails miserably. DAVID looks back at the other candidates.

DAVID

Wish me luck?

THE OTHER CANDIDATES
(Simultaneously)

No

DAVID walks inside the office as BILLIE takes her seat behind a lavish desk. DAVID too takes his seat. BILLIE thumbs through a few documents before looking at DAVID. She tilts her head quizzically at DAVID’s choice of clothing.

BILLIE

Do you think those are appropriate clothes for a job interview?

DAVID shrugs

DAVID

Covers all the bits that need covering.

BILLIE

Okay…so you want a job with Paradigm Shift Industries as the Chief Executive Officer. Why do you want this position?

DAVID

It pays a hell of a lot of money and I get to boss people around.

BILLIE

Uh huh…

DAVID

I mean, I…want the challenge? And…have heard good things about the company?

BILLIE

Tell me, do you know what this company does?

DAVID

How much cash will I be raking in?

BILLIE

You have a flair for subtlety don’t you?

DAVID

Cash. How much?

BILLIE
(sighs)
You will be payed $250,000 plus benefits.

DAVID

Wow, imagine what I could buy with that. Like, the world’s biggest seving of nachos.

BILLIE

Nachos?

DAVID

Nachos.

BILLIE

Nachos?

DAVID

People work in jobs for all sorts of stupid, unfulfilling reasons - job satisfaction, providing for their family, career goals, paying for tuition fees. Your job might not always satisfy, your family might not always appreciate it, you might never achieve your career goals and you might never finish University. But you can always be sure that a serving of nachos, particularly a large serving of nachos, will always satisfy and give you a reason, a fulfilling reason, to work everyday. Nachos don’t demand anything from you. They’re just tasty, they’re tasty now and they’ll be tasty tomorrow and in a hundred years they’ll still be tasty.

BILLIE

Riiiiight…Getting back to the original question, tell me, do you know what this company does?

DAVID

Why don’t you tell me what Paradigm Shift Industries does, hmm?

BILLIE

Fine, I’ll humour you, Paradigm Shift Industries motivates the market to shift the fundamental thinking of how we perceive future market fluctuations in relation to the Asia Pacific region.

DAVID

That’s not what I asked. I didn’t ask for a convoluted description of what your old CEO told you this company is about. I asked you, what does this company DO?

BILLIE

I’ve already answered your question, and I have to say, your attitude is not helping you in this interview process.

DAVID

No, you haven’t answered the question. What does this company DO? If you wanted to tell an ordinary bloke in the street what your company does, what would you tell them?

BILLIE

I would tell them that we…we…

DAVID

You’ve got no idea what this company does, do you?

BILLIE

I don’t have time for your baseless accusations. Now, what experience do you have?

DAVID

I’ve worked in advertising. My role was to ensure that key advertising messages reached their target demographic. Largely it was a print based advertising role. Our company wanted to reach people in their homes and targeted the material as such.

BILLIE

So, you delivered catalogues?

DAVID

…maybe.

BILLIE

And what did you do after that?

DAVID

I worked in a government job.

BILLIE

What did that entail?

DAVID

My role was to investigate unemployment levels and explore what job vacancies existed that could cater for people with limited employment experience.

BILLIE

You were on the dole?

DAVID

I wouldn’t put it like that exactly.

BILLIE

Why not?

DAVID

Because it doesn’t sound good in a job interview.

BILLIE

I hate to ask, but what’s your current job?

DAVID

I’m currently self-employed as a Life Coach. Basically what I do is, I ask people on the street for money.

BILLIE

In exchange for what?

DAVID

Nothing. The one and only lesson they need is that people will take their money off them and give them nothing in return.

BILLIE

Doesn’t that strike you as ethically questionable?

DAVID

No law against stupidity.

BILLIE

Yes, otherwise you’d be serving three consecutive life sentences.

DAVID

Hey, don’t cut me down just because of my success.

BILLIE

I’m going to be honest with you here, David, it’s not looking good. I don’t see how you would be qualified to even be a doorman at this company, let alone a CEO. You’re going to have to demonstrate to me how you are capable of being the CEO.

DAVID

Alright, you want me to demonstrate? You got it. Give me a dollar coin and a fifty cent coin.

BILLIE sighs and fishes into her pocket for a coin. She pulls out a one dollar coin and a fifty cent coin. She hands them over to DAVID. DAVID graciously accepts it and puts the one dollar coin in his own pocket while placing the fifty cent coin on the desk in front of him.

BILLIE

Okay, now what?

DAVID

What?

BILLIE

What are you going to do with the one dollar fifty I gave you?

DAVID

You only gave me fifty cents. And if I think if you look at any documentation, the records would clearly show that the existence of this one dollar is purely a malicious rumour with no basis in fact.

BILLIE

Are you implying that a CEO would be implicitly involved in illegal behaviour?

DAVID

No no no no no no no…Yes.

BILLIE

I’m about to throw you out, one more chance, why should you be given the job of CEO?

DAVID

I won’t fire you when I get hired. You don’t know what this company does, and the person you hire might figure out what this organization’s business is. Then they’ll realize you don’t know anything about the company and then they won’t see any need for you. And ‘bye bye’, Miss Interview Lady Whose Job Here She Doesn’t Understand. Why are you even doing the interview? Shouldn’t someone higher up, like the owner, be doing this?

BILLIE

That’s because it’s part of my job as Assistant to the Assistant Co-co-ordinator to the Chief Executive Officer and Petty Cash Officer.

DAVID

And that entails what exactly?

BILLIE

You’re supposed to be answering questions, not asking them.

DAVID
(laughs)

And we come back to the fact you’ve got no idea what your job is or what this company does. If you hire me, I won’t fire you.

BILLIE pauses. She looks DAVID in the eye. After a few seconds, she lets out a defeated sigh.

BILLIE

You make a…compelling case. One last question though, how will you deal with your clients who might be expecting something from you, y’know, expect you to do your job?

DAVID

I’d avoid their questions, and then charge them at a completely unreasonable rate. Makes me seem legitimate. Then charge them 250 dollars an hour for my efforts.

BILLIE

You sound perfect for the role of CEO. You’ve got the job.

DAVID shakes BILLIE’s hand and they both stand up.

BILLIE

Well, Mr CEO, you start on Monday.

DAVID

My first order of business will be to put nachos in the coffee room.

BILLIE

A great idea, sir.

DAVID walks out of the office and back into the waiting room. The WOMAN he had spoken to prior to the interview is still in her seat. She looks at DAVID with a mocking look.

WOMAN

So how’d it go?

DAVID

I got the job. Get out of my building.

WOMAN

But…HOW?! YOU…WHAT?!

DAVID

Listen, it might be obvious that it’s going to be dark tonight. But it doesn’t stop someone from turning on a light.

« Last Edit: Mar 6, 2007, 3:53am by sporky »

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